he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
