I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
