I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
