someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize