He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
