Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
