She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
