i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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