hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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