Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
