i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
