my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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