my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
