Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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