When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
