Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
