I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
