i already hear my dad disowning me
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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