I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize