isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
