Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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