I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
