During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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