I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
