wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
