He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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