one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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