My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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