Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
