I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
