i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize