Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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