I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
she told me i tasted like america
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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