Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
