no, he came in my armpit
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
