We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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