What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
