if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
