It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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