Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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