Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
