I can't watch pbs sober anymore
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize