If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
