Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
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