There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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