If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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