Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
