my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
i think i just lost a toe
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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