i dedicated my morning wood to you.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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