hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
