i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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