I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
