I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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