Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Randomize
