why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
