My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
