One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
