Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
