I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
