Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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