She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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