Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
