if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
