Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
My balls are so social today.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
