He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
