dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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