she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
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