3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
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